I have witnessed the above in more than one form in the past summer and the past few months. I personally believe that the vague descriptor above came in the form of anxiety and depression, anxiety and depression that resulted from failure to pursue the internal tug at my soul, to investigate the change in the air around me, for a lack of a better description. At the time these changes occurred, I of course ignored it and denied that there was something going on with me; my boyfriend noticed before I did that I was becoming more anxious, short fused, far more dramatic than normal, and bitter to the point of constantly, constantly, -constantly- dwelling on the past; I was extremely depressing to talk to even, according to one scenario we had when we fought. Because of what I saw myself as: someone who was often relatively friendly, hard to anger, forgiving, and spiritually content, I denied there being anything wrong with me. My boyfriend even at times felt partly at fault for this different person and wondered if he had anything to do to bring this girl that was different from the girl he fell in love with, and sometimes would urge me to figure out what was wrong with me. I, of course, victim to hubris, did not listen.

Then other things began to happen. I began to deal with situations where I became absent-minded, as well as felt a strong lack of energy. Then I had a fall out with an online acquaintance, and I thought it was all my fault for a short period of time. I gave myself time to reflect, and stopped constantly blaming myself. These circumstances just made my mental ailments that I refused to acknowledge worse. But, back on the reflection: after reading some things I have said in logs and other forms of online conversation scripts, I noticed that I did change, even though it seemed little to nothing to do with the fall out with the online acquaintance. I was very negative in these logs, even without intending to be negative. It seemed that I often, sometimes repeatedly, mentioned my mopey moments and negativity; I came across as extremely mopey and negative in most of my dialogues. The most positivity people would get out of me as far as emotions went was “I am okay” or “Blah,” and most of the time I would tell them about how tired, paranoid, and talk more about myself than they and talk about my worries far more than their worries. I do often talk about myself, but normally, I did not go to the point of pushing discussions of others out of the spotlight.

I could not deny what was going on with me: I was not stable. I had to stabilize myself. I had to figure out what was going on with me.

I told my boyfriend how sorry I was for not listening to him before. He was right. I was not the same person. Even though stress from my classes along with other stressors might have contributed to some of my negative moods, my moods were never so negative before. Even after this realization I still fell into rage fits and panic attacks. It did not seem like my mind alone could have fought this change. Something more had to be done. Even counseling for over a month did not seem to make too much effort either.

I took time to reflect on my spirituality, as well as look into possible physiological causes to my mental ailments. Other circumstances happened on the way, as well. I have a feeling some of the answers rested in all of this.

One of the things I came to realize was that there was a pull that was meant to lead me to search for more on my spiritual journey, and I just refused to acknowledge it. This happened when a local South Asian staff member at the University was reported to have been fighting leukemia; he needed a marrow donation to even have a second chance at life. The leaflet with this information also said that only a small percentage of South Asians were registered marrow donors, and they only had a one out of twenty thousand chance of finding a marrow donor that could save their life. I had South Asian ancestry, which meant that even if I had but an ounce of that blood in me, there was a chance that my body type matched with the one who needed my help.

In addition to this news, I also was in the process of looking for volunteer work at the local Crisis Center. My mother questioned whether or not I should have sought such work with my instability, but I told her I just felt I had to do it: not only would it help me become a successful candidate for Graduate School, but it would also mean me helping others out, relieving others of pain – or at least trying to do so. During this time, the thoughts of the times I caused others in the past pain, intentional or not, began to haunt me. This pushed me even more to seek this volunteer work, even though it helped in my over all career goals, as well. The concept of redemption began to call to me, in a sense, even knowing that not everyone was perfect; I just wanted to do more, and I wanted to give back to life what is has given me – life itself. My motivations, if they were not intrinsic already, became very intrinsic at that point.

Yet, I still felt energy loss and my mind still went blank more often than I cared for. Something was missing.

Something was holding me back from being what I could be. It felt like I was clinging to something that I had to let go of, in order to continue becoming more than what I was.

I reflected more, and realized I been more jealous than before. I mean not jealous in the sense that I would keep my boyfriend from talking to other females, but jealous in the sense that I had no control of what went on over where he was, since I was a physical distance from him. I was selfish and denied being selfish. I had to learn to stop clinging to these anxieties and fears. In fact, I am still learning how to do this, though have came a way in the past few weeks. If I was to spiritually grow, I had to let go. My soul was ready to release more of this material existence, even though my mind was not – I felt this was part of why I suffered dearly from my mental ailments.

But despite this realization, I still felt an energy loss and my mind go blank more than normal. My anxiety and depression still were prevalent, though I often tried not to show it to others.

I re-read the article on the newspaper about a puppy in my town of birth who suffered a painful, cruel five days of barbed wire wounds and chemical gashes and burns, until it died. The story made me almost cry. This began to tug at my soul even more than it did when it first happened. After more soul searching, I decided to donate to the American Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA). Yet, this did not satisfy that pull that was tugging at my soul.

A day after this, I was at the supermarket, only to see the meat of something that suffered a cruel death being sold. I almost boycotted the supermarket, only to restore a moment of calmness and realize that it would not solve the problem. I began to reflect even more on myself, and my spirituality, only to read more quotations from spiritual masters, such as Gandhi. I saw how such figures shaped the world, as well as moved others to shape the world, as well. And yet, it came down to one simple quote made by Mahatma Gandhi:

“You have to be the change you want in the world.”

I wanted less pain in the world, and I wanted to make a difference. What I was doing, I felt, was not enough – though it was a start. There was more I could do. There was more I could do to ease other's suffering, as well as my own. At that point, I eventually asked myself: “I wonder if I could function without meat.” I will admit, part of what came to my mind was whether or not I was suffering mentally due to eating meat, but I also felt that I could do more to stand for what I believed: doing the least harm to life as possible. So, from there, I became a lacto-ovo vegetarian.

Two days after my decision to try vegetarianism, my mother gave me a phone call. She said she was doing research on something she saw on a television show, involving dairy products. She claimed that she was taking into consideration my background and previous eating habits, plus my current behaviors. She came up with in her research that casein in dairy products have shown in studies to act as an opiate to those who could not digest dairy protein. It began to make us wonder if that was a contribution to my mental ailment. It would make sense, in a way, as I was always indulging in garlic bread and cheese, alfredo dishes, and similar products as a comfort food – yet it did not comfort me in the end, despite feeling the “need” to consume the products.

Then I thought, this occurrence was a sign: perhaps something telling me that I was becoming too overindulgent, and it may possibly be affecting my mental health as a consequence.

We were not completely certain if I reacted to dairy this negatively or not, and we still are not. She contacted someone experienced in nutrition and they said that in order to be certain, I had to abstain from dairy products for three weeks. If any changes occurred, it was possible that my overindulgence in dairy products was what caused my mental degradation – if not spiritual degradation, a spiritual degradation that manifested in the form of a mental degradation.

There was an acknowledged complication in this “test” of sort, though. It was not too long before I decided to abstain from dairy to see what would happen, when I decided to become a vegetarian. If any noted changes in physical and mental conditions occur, it could be from either abstaining from dairy or abstaining from animal protein. Either way, I was willing to accept this. As stated before, I made the decision to try becoming a lacto-ovo vegetarian for more reasons than health reasons, it was to try to pursue a spiritual tug at my soul. Though the noted circumstances may mean omitting the 'lacto' part, at least for a time.

Things seem to be looking up for some reason. I am feeling more energetic, I am more driven to get work done, and though I have more work to do to be completely stable, I feel like I been less affected by my mental ailments as opposed to before. Because of this, I now wonder if this all has been something more than just mental ailment. I now wonder, if it was a sign that I had a calling, and failed to answer it. I now wonder if this all has been simply me forming a cocoon of myself, and transforming, yet refusing to shed off the cocoon.

I now wonder, if I was going through a spiritual evolution.

It would not surprise me, and my intuition tells me that this may be, at the very least, a factor in all of this. My soul was changing, and yearned for me to acknowledge the change and to grow from it – but with my conservative personality, I do not often adapt well to change. Perhaps my mind wanted to continue under the law of continuity, even if it may have known it was not in its best interests – maybe it simply wanted to keep in the same state for the sake of it not remembering how to be in a different state. Perhaps my mind was selfish all along without realizing it or acknowledging it, for it clung to the realities that it knew; it kept me from pursuing the tug at my soul to seek more. I have off and on been fighting depression ever since high school – sometimes it is a phase that passes, other times it comes back worse than before. Perhaps all of this was a challenge of my weaknesses, to see if I would master them and thus, be permitted to grow into something more.

I acknowledge that these notes of my experiences may seem drawn out – perhaps even redundant. However, I drew them out, to help others understand the purpose of this article. These experiences, hopefully, helped understand the complexity of what I call a spiritual evolution.

I believe in the concept of spiritual evolution, and because of these experiences, I believe in it even more than before. This external world around us, this maya, is real. It is a physical manifestation of God's creation, if not a physical manifestation of his/her image. The idea that we feel pain, joy, hunger, fullness, and other sensations are what show the effect of this world on us, whether physically, mentally, or spiritually. Abraham Maslow's pyramid of the hierarchy of needs reflects that we need physiological needs before we can go higher in the pyramid and seek something more than the physical.

I feel that in a way, Maslow's pyramid of the hierarchy of needs is similar to what I believe as the many stages to spiritual evolution. Because, the pyramid does not end at the physiological needs.

Because our souls also realize – or eventually realize – that there is more than this existence. And out of this realization, it may seek more. Perhaps because our soul seeks to find a higher truth is why it must go through changes and spiritual evolution. If it does not, it cannot ascend to a higher state, the state where it may find peace and liberation from limitations. If we refuse to let go of the external world, we will not be able to go through the transition to worlds beyond. And the worlds beyond those worlds. Then to where it may find the end of the journey and rest.

Indeed, perhaps this has all been a wake up call for me to realize that I still have a greater purpose in this existence. Perhaps this shaking thread in my thread of life was meant to remind me that I still exist, thus I have a reason for it.

I just wish I thought of it before. But I suppose that while I seek perfection, the very fact I still exist means I still have yet to realize it and achieve it.

There is more work that needs to be done, nonetheless. This call has awakened me to the fact that I have an obligation to fulfill in this cycle of life, death, rebirths, and transitions. I must be the change I want to see in this external world. I must be the change I want to see in myself, in my soul.

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